001: The Return of the Caterpillar: Now with Wings

Exactly sixmonths ago, I was at the airport; tears streaming down puffy cheeks, unable to look back over my shoulder at my family waving me on from the barrier dividing those going and those staying behind. As the door shut behind me, my sister touched my mother's arm and said, "You know, she will never be the same again." 

And through her tears, my mother nodded. 

That day I set off to study and live in an English city I knew nothing about. I landed in a snow capped London, and watched my life drastically change. I was surrounded by amazing people, from all over the world, seeing a country I have idealised since I was a child reach all my expectations and lead a life that would have satisfied the writers of any second rate Soap Opera. 

But now, after all this time, I will return to that same airport, and cross back over the dividing barrier and return to normal life, and see if my sisters prediction came true: that I really have changed for good. 

The possibility of change has always frightened me. I was scared stiff when I moved out of home, and petrified when I left the home I had made for myself in England. All those time, I had been afraid of the unknown - stepping out into uncharted waters and praying for the best. But after a lot of thought, I have realised that the unknown scares me only half as much as stepping backwards into a bad situation. 

The fear that consumes me now if not a fear of change, but the lack thereof. Having been so content with my life abroad, I don't think returning to the way things were before could no longer satisfy me. I am scared of return to the mundane nature of my home life, knowing what life if like when I am actually living. To know I can enjoy myself and that if living on the edge is more than possible. I know that I am capable of many great thing. I just don't want to forget it. 

But I have decided that I will not be letting that happen. There are a thousand things I can do, from the convenience of my own home, that will hopefully allow me to continue enjoying life and avoid the mundane lifestyle that I was enduring before I left. I want to be able to look back on the years of my twenties as a time when I did extraordinary things, and didn't waste my time. Because now I am out of the cocoon, and who has ever heard of a butterfly turning back into a caterpillar? Yeah, I didn't think so. 

Kathleen
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