I have been home now for just over two weeks and the one constant thing about the past sixteen days has been a strange fear of being idle.
Before I went travelling, I led a very simple life. Although I had a full load at university, for a time worked two jobs and had regular weekend tips down to see family and friends, I longed for my afternoons of doing nothing. When I could curl up, in some disgusting assortment of dirty clothes, tucked up in bed, lap top resting on pillows beside half a dozen mugs and bowls, smeared with the remains of meals or lingering dregs of tea. I would browse through the Internet and watch reruns of old TV shows. Although it included living in my own squalor I was content with the idle life I led.
But since my return, I can't seem to enjoy sitting around doing nothing. I can barely stand sitting still. This might have something to do with my lap top still being shipped from the UK and my bed still in storage, but I am still incapable of having a full hour of nothing, let alone a whole day. The truth is I seem to have a whole lot of things to do. Finding work, unpacking my boxes, teaching myself how to cook again, reconnecting with people I haven't seen in years with the excuse of "oh but I've been in England" because I know, as almost everything that does, that the subconscious Katie has something else in mind.
I can't bare the thought of returning to that lifestyle. Not doing anything. No having a reason to get dressed in the morning, or to check the mail box. Because I had deluded myself into thinking that it didn't matter. That it was only going I effect me. That one one else was cared. And I didn't care.
I am so scared of going back, that I am filling my days so I don't even have to time to be idle. If I get into different routine then there is one less thing I will have to worry about. However, I am nervous that once I resettle back into my unit - unpack all the boxes and put everything thing into place - I will run out of things to do.
Guess I'll need something more to fill in my days. Any suggestions?
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