043: Crying Over Ripped Stockings

My life changed a few months ago. I was sitting in my car, in a darkened multilevel car park. I had had an awful day. I had been yelled at by customers and had some harsh words from management. There was a run in my stockings and I had just been told that the guy I was seeing was also seeing someone else. I was sobbing into the steering wheel, cursing the world, hating on everything and everyone and hoping that these feeling would stop. 

It was a bit job. Something to pass the time until a better offer came around. And he was supposed to just be a fling to help me get over the last mess of a boy I had endured. The stocking were only Coles brand tights and cost a few dollars a pair not even worth the tears. 

And there I was, crying. 

In a moment of tear stained clarity, I realised that the things I had been striving for were not actually things I wanted. I had been working so hard for so long that I couldn't remember why I had wanted them in the first place. I decided in that moment that I was going to stop. 

Sniffing back the last of my tears, I drove home, flipped open my laptop and began a new search. Houses to Rent by the Beach. I sat there all night, scrolling through rental property after rental property trying to find the new home that would bring around the new Kate. 

Now, a few months on from that, I am sitting in my new house, looking out the sunning window into a flowering garden. I have not had to find a park in a multi level car park in almost three weeks, 

I have only had to wear stocking when I want to and almost happily given up interest in men. 

I find it is such a rare moment when I stop and take control of something, be it at work or in a relationship. I am so content in taking the back seat and watch the passing traffic while someone else drives and brings me to my destination, even if I don't know where it is. For the first time in a long time, I pushed the rest of the world out of the drivers seat and I took over. 

I chose the town where I was to live based on it closeness to my parents and its flowering trees on Main Street not because of the university that was in the centre of it. I chose a job that could build into a career not something just to pay the bills. Finally, I have chosen a life that I am going to be proud of living. 

So, I hope you can join me, in what a really hope will be a slightly more detail and consistent blog that this age has previously been. 

Here's hoping that this is the beginning of something wonderful, and not the beginning of a new beginning. 

xo 

Katie